How do I Live Without You?
by YourNewCapital
Summary: When your country needs you, do you really have a choice but to go to its aid? WWII AU. Contains half pairings, major death, possible violence, depression, description of horrifying events, and John in a wheeled device.


8 December 1941

Dave pulled the tie of the man in front of him, tightening it acceptably, and smiled.

"Lookin' sharp, Egbert." He said.

"Thanks, Dave," John giggled, flushing bright pink. Dave's heart fluttered at that. Even though they had been seeing each other in secret for several years now, it still felt like he was sixteen years old kissing his best friend for the first time in the dead of night.

Dave knelt down and pecked his lover on the cheek and moved to stand behind his chair. John looked back, "Hey Dave, someone told me there was a new film coming to the cinema tonight. Do you think we could go?" John's eyes never lit up as much as when he was talking to Dave, or about films. And talking to Dave about films would just about make his day. He'd been obsessed with cinema since he was seventeen, went as much as he could afford, and even convinced the owners of the theatre to give him the old posters of his favourites to tack up on the wall.

"I suppose we could go, if I get paid that is." John frowned.

"Still having trouble with your boss?"

"Of course I am. He never pays me on time. Come on, you're going to be late." Dave pushed the wheelchair out of the bedroom doorway. John, born with a muscular dystrophy, had lost his ability to walk a few years ago, during the depression. It was a horrible few years in which John couldn't leave the house and Dave could barely afford to pay for food (and often had to go without) let alone healthcare for John. Slowly, though, as things began to pick up, they had managed to buy a wheelchair, and after a few months of getting used to it, John was even able to secure a job at a candy store.

They walked to the shop together in the chilly December air, talking about nothing, enjoying each other's presence, neither really wanting to get there and having to separate for the day. But of course, the town was not big, and neither was the walk, and they soon found themselves in front of Jane Crocker's sweet shop. With little difficulty, Dave managed to push the chair up the stairs and wheel John behind the counter.

"I'll be back later to pick you up, ok?" the blonde grinned, running a hand along John's cheek.

"See you then, Dave. Matesprit." He used the word they had made up together, meaning 'I love you', that they could still say in public without arousing suspicion. Dave loved that word so much.

"Matesprit."

John watched Dave as he stepped out of the shop and onto the street. Watched him raise his hand to shade his eyes from the sun and blinding snow to check for traffic. Watched him all the way until he was no longer visible. Only then did he busy himself with setting up displays.

"Oh, John! You're here!" He turned and smiled, the business' namesake, Jane Crocker, stood in the doorway to the back room, mixing a bowl of some cake or another. No doubt she had been here hours earlier making them, judging by the frazzled state of her dark bob.

"Hello Jane! How are you this morning?"

"Cold," she complained, before giggling, "But well. How are you?"

"Well, thank you. No wonder you are cold, you've been here all morning haven't you?"

"When else will I make the cakes, John? You obviously know nothing about running a sweet business." John laughed.

"I don't. That's why I just sell them." They both laughed and continued with their work, Jane opening up not long after. After the first few children, before school customers, the shop remained deserted for most of the rest of the day. John had just engrossed himself in a crossword from a month old newspaper.

"Turn on the radio!" Shouted a voice from outside. John looked up as the man barrelled through the door. "Turn on the radio," he said again, out of breath.

"What channel?" John asked, wheeling over to the radio.

"Should not matter, it's on all of them." John's eyes widened. It could only mean bad news. He turned on the radio and tuned it until voices could be heard. "Is that… is that the president?" The other man hushed him, keeping all his attention on the radio. So John listened, and though he missed a lot of what was going on, he caught the idea. Pearl Harbour was bombed by Japan. America was going to war. John was scared. Halfway through the speech, the man got up and walked toward the door.

"Wait, where are you going?" John called.

"Didn't you hear? We're going to war! We have a duty as fit American men to go to war when our country needs us!" with that he walked out.

"John. We're closing up now." Jane looked at her friend and colleague with concern.

"Dave's not here yet…" John said quietly.

"Would you like me to wait with you until he comes?"

"No, it's ok, I'll just go home alone, and it's not far."

"John, it's freezing! Are you sure? I don't mind!"

"It would be cold whether or not Dave was here. Just stick up a note saying that I've gone. I'll be fine." Jane looked at him for a little longer then sighed.

"Fine, you go. If you get hurt you will only have yourself to blame."

"I'll be fine, Jane. Go home, your family is probably wondering where you are."

He was halfway home before he realised what a bad idea it was to leave. His hands felt like icicles hardening on the metal chair every time he went to push himself further along on the road. But he didn't know what to do. Dave was late. Dave was never late, unless he really had something important to do, and in that case, he would tell John in the morning, or he would organise something else, and never would John have to make his own way home in winter. But John knew that Dave had a slight 'need to impress' complex that came from years of abandonment based self-esteem issues, so the chances that he had gone to join the US army after work was very high and it scared John to death. He didn't want to have to wait around for Dave either, because being angry at someone is a lot harder when they are doing something nice for you. And boy was he angry at Dave. For just going off and making such a decision without talking about it first. They were meant to be partners. Matesprits.

But the closer he got to home the less angry and more frightened he was. The bastards of the world came out at night, and it was one thing to be out when your muscular and intimidating lover-slash-carer was with you, and a completely different one when you're a weak, cold, alone, cripple. John couldn't even see anymore, his glasses fogged up and his hands too weak to reach up and clean them.

It began to snow, and John cursed, drawing his legs up to his chest and wrapping his hands around them to secure some warmth. Someone clapped a hand on his shoulder and he cried out in fear.

"John! Oh thank God! I was worried sick!" John looked up and noticed the white and red outline of his best friend.

"Dave!"

"God, you're freezing! Oh John why would you do this?" Dave's voice was laced with worry as he pushed John's chair with more vigour than John could ever have managed.

"D-Dave, y-you-"

"Don't talk, we'll just get you home and warm, then we'll figure out what happened."

The moment the chair was through the door, Dave picked John up and crushed him in a hug. "I'm so glad you're safe. I thought you had frozen to death or been murdered!" He mumbled more of his feelings into John's hair.

"D-Dave, you can s-stop now, I-I'm f-fine." John chattered.

"You are not fine." Dave pulled away, "You need to get warmed up, come on." He half carried half dragged John to his bedroom and began pulling his damp clothes off.

"Dave, w-where were you?" John asked. Dave wrapped his now naked body in a blanket.

"Better?"

"Are you going to answer my question?" Dave looked into his eyes, sighed, and stood up. "Dave, don't ignore me!"

"I'm just going to make you a cup of tea. Then I'll be back and-"

"Did you join the army?" Dave ignored him, walking out of the room. John made a sound that was close to a growl. "David Dirk Strider, do not ignore me!" He curled up under the blanket and closed his eyes, shivering but slowly warming up. A few minutes later he felt the bed move as Dave re-joined him. John, despite himself, curled into the body that wrapped around his, and he sighed. "Dave, are you going to talk to me now?" he mumbled.

"I'm sorry John," Dave said. John turned to look at him. Ran a hand through his partner's bright blonde hair. It only took a moment, one look in Dave's autumn leave coloured eyes to dissipate all of John's previous anger. John sniffed. "You could have told me, at the very least, what you were doing. We could have discussed it."

"You wouldn't have let me go."

"No, no I wouldn't have. I don't want to lose you, Dave." He dug his hands further into Dave's hair and pulled him close. Dave laughed and kissed him.

"You won't lose me, John. How could I ever live without you?"

John smiled, "Just please be careful, ok?"

"I promise."

Their relationship was not the same after that. Dave would take John to work and John would silently scream at him to not go. And Dave would stand in front of his general's office, contemplating having his name pulled from the list. Every single day they did. Until Friday. It felt colder than any day had ever been that year, and John shivered under his blankets as Dave got out of them. John looked up. "It's cold." He said bluntly.

"I know."

"Do you really have to?"

"Yes." John nodded and sat up, wiping sleep from his eyes with frosty hands. He looked at Dave. He was a blurry figure without glasses, but John still took in every inch of him, because who knows if he ever would be able to see him again. John watched Dave dress into the horrible green of the army uniform, before half-heartedly pulling himself out of the bed and into a slightly warmer coat. He put his glasses on, and saw Dave in perfect clarity. He smiled.

"I must admit, you look great in that uniform." Dave laughed.

"I'd better. This thing causes nothin' but trouble, but I may as well look okay while doing so." John grinned. Dave leaned down and pressed his lips against John's softly, savouring the sweet taste of his love that he wouldn't be able to taste again for who knows how long.

"Be safe, matesprit." John said, eyes pricking red with oncoming tears.

"I'll be fine, John," Dave said, forcing himself to smile, as if it will help John to do the same. "I'll always be fine and I will come back for you. I love you, matesprit."

In the end, it wasn't fine. It will never ever be fine again.


End file.
